Its that disease of the age
Its that disease that we crave
Alone at the end of the race
-Placebo


A long road you can go down in either direction
funny how i always seem to chose be going the wrong way.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
fuck you for everything.
Fuck you for me doing this to myself
fuck you for me shoving my fingers down my throat
fuck you for me dehydrating my soul
fuck you for me worshiping what the scales read
fuck me for fucking having you, and holding onto you for all these years.
Crying over ten fuckin thousand tears, 
cutting away the pain, drinking away whatevers left
& popping everything i can find to make sure the pain will stay locked away for at least half a day.
Im an addict
Im a bulimic
Im a sick fucking chick.
But im a fucking fighter, i dont fucking want you anymore.
I'm me. You're a fucking disease and i hate you.




One day m'fucker, one day. I'm not gonna be one of your stastics anymore.

Because of you, i found another world.
Because of you, i built a glass box with a barricade of bricks.
Because of you, colours faded and all i saw was black.
Because of you, i was living on false pretences.
Because of you, the ones i love seemed so out of reach.
Because of you, i lost everything.
Because of you, i realised that you're nothing but a killer.
Because of you, i cried, screamed, cut, ripped at myself.
Because of you, i took the step to find myself.
Because of you, i picked up a rock and smashed the glass box.
Because of you, i'm now slowly climbing the barricade of bricks.
Because of me, i'm letting everything you stand for go.

My illness was my best friend, and my worst enemy.
I thought i had it all, i thought i was on top.
But the thing is, my world was empty and i was looking down on nothing.
My illness is not my friend anymore.
The 2 months spent in rehab, they really opened up my eyes.
All the blood, tears and screams, all the nights spent wishing myself away..they served a purpose.
I need to stay strong.
I can do this.

FUCK OFF MIA.
i dont need you anymore

You are the one.
You'll never be alone.
I'm more than in your head.
I'm more.

My voice, your fingers.
Your going to lose forever.
And I'll be the voice inside your head.
I'll be the one that never leaves you.

You are the one.
And I'm more.

Happiness?





Unhappiness.





Never stopped to breathe, never stopped to see.
Never stopped to smile, never stopped to cry.
Why?
Because this is all a race against time.

I'll breathe when im thin, I'll see clearly when im thin
I'll smile when im thin and i will only cry of happiness when im thin.
I know i will.

I dont have a specific goal, it always changes.
I need to be the best i can be.

-------------------------------------------------------

I wish this story would already end.
But the thing is, it's a neverending one.


Reality 



 

This video i found is amazing, sums it all up for me.

Tags: expressing self-hate.

Current Mood: drained

10 cigarettes
2 vodka cruisers later,

Another night, trying to pick myself up out of this fucking rut.
I'm so sick of people telling me I've got everything going for me and that i should be happy.
If I could change my state of mind i would, ive tried so many times and it never sticks.
Sometimes i go to the beach and lay under the stars, and feel like screaming because what once was so beautiful to watch became something i couldn't feel.
I can't quite say im emotionless, because i still feel inner pain and self hate.
And on a good day, I might feel a little bit of hope.
But those good days don't come too often.

I guess what I want to end this with is, the saying ýou can't judge a book by its cover'really applies to peoples lives.

The way you can judge a book is by reading it and understanding it.
Hence, While on the outside someone may be smiling, on the inside they could be screaming.

Tags: inside, out.

As much as i dont want to have such a hating relationship with food i cant help that i feel DISCUSTING.
I hate what i see and ive tried the worst things to get skinny
i wish these thoughts visions n feelings would eff off or better yet i wish i was happy with myself
when i look at food i either hate it or i crave it, yeah the clinic thought they could help but i dont have that strength
i want to gain it! Gahhhh this shit has taken over my life